Ladies like fashionable chaps and, as good as it is, the Mini is so last season. The Fiat 500, on the other hand, is very much the newest latest thing with its blend of retro charm and urbane Italian style. Not only that, driving a Fiat 500 says you appreciate stylish cars but are above all that juvenile boy racer nonsense and go faster chest beating that goes with it. Combine with a wardrobe of sharp suits and a sat-nav pre-programmed with the addresses of the coolest bars and smartest restaurants in town and you're away. Better still, you won't be mistaken for an estate agent either.

Ask any bloke for his dream car and it's likely a good number will list some form of Porsche 911. Indeed, if a supercar can be ubiquitous the 911 is as close as possible to being so. Worse than that, 911s are up there with Evos and TVRs as being among the cars women just don't get. You'll prattle on about the finest sporting heritage in the world. She'll think you're a pushy throwback to '80s yuppie excess. Forget losing marks for trying too hard and instead look to Mercedes. An SL500 is no 911 in driving terms but has class the Porsche can only dream of.

You might think your dinky little Lotus is the last thing in cool. But have you tried getting out of one while wearing a skirt? Thought not. No, instead you need to play it conservatively and opt for Audi's TT. OK, so it's not going to provide the same kind of thrills but the second generation car is much more driver oriented than its predecessor and the TT's smart, stylish interior is dressed to impress. Accept that women are more likely to be attracted to a car that speaks of quietly assured confidence rather than shouty racing driver pretensions and you'll go far.

Petulant, attention seeking and prone to tantrums, Ferrari owners are at least well matched to their cars. Which is a shame, because any car with a prancing horse on the front is an undeniably special beast. But there is such a thing as guilt by association and it's likely that the mention of Ferrari, for most women, conjures up images of aging playboys wearing lofas and prancing horse caps. Admittedly, Lamborghinis aren't much better but the raging bull somehow carries a bit less emotional baggage and if you really have to do the Italian supercar thing the Gallardo is the one to have.

Wonderful to drive and a pleasure to own there is much to recommend the 3-Series coupé. But if there is one car your prospective amour is likely to associate with the worst excesses of aggressive masculine driving the 3-Series is it. Admittedly in comparison the Alfa Romeo Brera is a bit weak in terms of driver appeal, quality and status. But face it, when it comes to impressing the ladies who are you going to seek inspiration from - a German or an Italian? You'll hate the understeery handling and blunted performance but she'll love the stylish interior and exotic Latin flair. One nil to the Italians.

Driving a big 4x4 is in itself a fairly bold statement that you have a large personality and like to dominate your surroundings. Which, bringing things back down to caveman basics, is apparently what some women like. But a Range Rover Sport is possibly taking things a bit far and risks labelling you as a bit of a knuckle dragger. If you really have to do the SUV thing you should instead consider the Discovery. It's big and impressive but also suggests strength and dependability, compared with the shouty aggression of the Range Rover. Mud splattered bodywork also alludes to you owning a large country estate, which always goes down well.

The Mondeo is a great car and one that matches real driver appeal with decent style and amazing practicality. But its success is also its undoing and you're going to struggle with the David Brent image. All is not lost though. An S-Max suggests you need a workhorse but have a bit of imagination. Whiffs of an exotic extreme sports pastime also add glamour but it also says you're sensible and practical and not averse to perhaps filling the back seats with children at some point in the not too distant future. Which for better or worse (or, indeed, richer or poorer) is undeniably going to go down well.

If you think an extra squirt of Lynx and being able to hang on to an 8,500rpm redline on every upshift are the route to success with the ladies the Civic Type R is just your kind of car. The alternative offers a very different approach. OK, the MX-5 isn't exactly macho. But it suggests you don't have to compensate for your inadequacies by driving a shouty car bristling with go faster gimmicks. And where the Civic conjures up images wheelspinning round industrial estates the MX-5 instead offers a vision of relaxed cruising along beautiful country roads in the late summer sunshine. No contest really...

For guys of a certain age looking for impressionable girls of one even younger, a hot hatch is an effective tool. And they don't come much hotter than the Corsa VXR. But like drinking too much Red Bull it's exciting in a way that leaves you feeling a bit queasy. Step up the Clio R27. We have to admit a personal interest in this choice, being as how the R27 is the only car we've ever driven that has elicited a request for marriage from a complete stranger. OK, she'd just stumbled out of the village pub but the yellow peril clearly has what it takes.

It's bright orange (also available in different colours), likes being the centre of attention and doesn't hang around, and in certain parts of the country you'll find women meeting the same description. But for the sake of argument let's say you're looking to project a bit of sophistication and aren't in need of a car that fills in the gaps in your conversational abilities. A Golf GTI would be nice but the GT Sport is even cooler, in a discreet, no need to shout about it kind of way. A car like this suggests impeccable tastes in all things and a certain sophistication. Just don't blow it by playing deafening house music and leaving empty McDonalds cartons in the footwells.